Disassociation

I learnt somewhere that we retrieve our memories from the left brain which is the Logical brain. And that every memory is linked to a smell a sound and an emotion. Its like our memory plays like a "movie clip" and that every frame it has is linked to all three of these other aspects.

So every frame of our memory has an emotion linked to it. Say if we have been injured by a car which knocked us down, then everytime we see a car come towards us, the image of our memory of us being hit would trigger off an emotion which is linked to it. The only way to get over it is by so call retrieving this frame that triggers the emotion and deal with the emotion and maybe we might be able to conquer that setback we have faced.

Same thing applies to any memory. When we remember something happy, the emotion thats linked to that particular image plays and we feel happy. Likewise when we think of something upset, the image plays the emotion and we get upset.

I guess i have to deal with the frame in my memory and deal with it by talking about it. Then maybe only i can take away the emotion and replace it with something nice. Then perhaps I wont feel upset about whatever i may be upset or unhappy about. I need to disassociate now.

Ok so now im thinking about my 4X4 off-road vehicle. I cant wait to buy one and go expedition with my buddies to say Thailand or Malaysia by climbing sand dunes, rocky roads, mud tracks and even river crossings. I have decided to lead a life of fruitful adventure and expeditions. Maybe by thinking of that, i might be able to disassociate faster. Now im back at square one. The same feeling when i was going to sign up with the peace corps. I rather spend my time on something that gives me joy rather than on things that might get me hurt. Tired of being hurt. At least my Jeep protects me from getting hurt! Ok my piggy bank is already half way there!!!

Kübler-Ross Model Theory

Covered a whole semester on Psychology. Basically its more sport oriented and how athletes cope with circumstances. And i remember studying this particular one. Which i find has great links to the way we behave and think. N perhapds we might be able to apply this? maybe not? I dont really believe in this.. but it does sound belivable and accurate.. =)

Elizabeth Kübler-Ross came out introduced a model in the late 1960s after studying dying people especially those with terminal illnesses. It was called the " 5 Stages of grief". Just to let you know im at this point of time not refering to any references. I believe its correct lah. =)

The Five stages are listed as follows:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

Since its based on dying people, I will be giving examples with regards to dying people. BUT we also see the similarity in the behaviours of those who have faced great losses and tragedy. So we do see this in our daily lives as well.

1. Denial - "Im feeling fine! But this cant be happening to me!!!"
2. Anger - ""Why me? It's not fair!" "NO! NO! How can you accept this!"
3. Bargaining - "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything, can't you stretch it out? A few more years."
4. Depression - "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die . . . What's the point?"
5. Acceptance - "It's going to be OK."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."

SO there you go. Just some examples on each single point of the model.

We do see such behaviour in ourselves dont we?

Recently a turn of events occured in this life of mine. Im not washing dirty laundry in public =). Seriously i never expected things to turn out this way. Not that i expected anything out of anything but i never did believe this would happen. Theres so much to say but then again. Maybe some things are better left unsaid and definitely not meant to be posted where people then start to judge and all. But yes im appauled by the turn of events. Not that i want to question but i always do. And that kinda makes it easier for the opposite party to relay the message across as people dont like to be put under pressure and that makes them irritated and agitated and all. This is already happened numerous times and I thought that i would be really affected by it but then again. I have yet to show signs of anything.

Just did not understand why things could turn and change so quickly. Without warning and without any tell tale signs. Well nothing is fair and we sometimes have to just accept things for the way they have somewhat progressed. But this really makes me feel very unhappy with myself. I wonder whats wrong with me and i wonder what is it that makes people tell me what im always told. I thought you said that this time things would be very different from the past that i have been through whenever i mention those happenings..but then again, things have developed in that direction. And the most fearsome part is that Im already so Numb by all these that i wonder if I myself still have feelings or emotions in Benjamin Kan anymore. I used to be different. And now im so different as well.

They say time heals all wounds. Time helps us to understand. I have already been out of a R/S for ages. Thought that i could move on with the new developments, but im back at square one now. And the worse part is that it came too sudden. Maybe I need to trust in the Lord more. But the thing is that i have been praying so so so hard. For me to seek HIS will and to grant me what he disires of me to desire. Everything felt so real. Correction, Everything was real. Maybe the real problem truly lies with me.

Oh Lord im tired im weary and im worn.. Hold my hand Lord. I still cant accept this change. Dont think i would ever. But just to make people happy we have to pretend to have already done that so perhaps they wont feel so bad. But I dare say now that Im never going to be able to accept this turn of events. The numbness really makes me afraid. Dont I care about anything anymore? If i am being punished for all the things i should not have done, then Lord help me to accept it. Lord help me to understand and if it is your will, you will make a way for it. =..........( you will right Lord?? you will right?!..... Make this all go away..Please Lord PLEASE....